I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
