meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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