Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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