we have pet lesbian snakes
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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