I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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