he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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