My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Randomize
