just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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