so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
