meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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