My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
FUCK WHALES
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