I have demons in me.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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