Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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