Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
you had me at cake vodka
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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