Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize