And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
