ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
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i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
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DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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