dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
