she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
