there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
