How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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