ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
