I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
