I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
