If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
