We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
