Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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