When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
