my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
