If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
