I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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