You know, be my cock's hype man.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
