We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
