i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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