I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
