The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
