fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
