I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
