i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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