I wish I could teleport
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
