i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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