come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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