i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
