I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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