The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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