God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my shit smells like andre
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
