I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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