I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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