Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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