I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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