Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
