I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
