I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
