Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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