I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We're too hungover to prance.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
