My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Randomize
