i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
