I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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